Speak God I’m Listening

Blankly, I stare into this world and wonder what we have become.  What animal or beast or ghastly spirit has taken hold of us so that we cannot even offer each other the most gentle courtesies.  A smile. A genuine hello. The invitation of our friendship through something as simple as just our mere eye contact.  I am hurting.  My heart aches for us all.  I carry the pain of a world of hurts inside, yet I continually push deeper into myself only to discover that inside of me more goodness remains. Is this life’s cruel joke? In searching for truth, wisdom and calling to lose one’s self to the agony and despair of this world.  I hope not.  Well if I’m being honest, I know not.  Despite what things may appear to be, I have learned first hand that they never really are.  There is always an inner narrative at work – an angle unknown, an untold kink in the story line that if given an opportunity to surface would completely change the trajectory of these tragic outcomes and terrible endings.  And in it’s place we’d find pure, beautiful, purifying, unadulterated Love.  I speak not just from my own tragic well of wisdom, but more perfectly from the purity of my heart which I am coming to realize must be renewed each and every day.  In fact, just this week I have truly begun to learn the power taking a few intentional minutes of focused time to slow myself and my crazy world down long enough so I can hear myself think clearly can have.  I am grateful for a patient and gentle God who continues to nurture my soul with His wisdom, His grace and His love in this way.

Quite honestly, had I not been so heavily focused on Him for the last year, preparing for the arrival of what I’d hoped to be a baby born to me through adoption and simply mending and tending to my own wounded heart, I’ll confess I’d have easily missed this magical place buried inside of me.  Nor do I believe I’d have the ability to see it for what it is today with such crystal clarity. For 12 entire years, I have cried an ocean of tears wondering why the things I’ve so desperately been wanting for my life have been stolen from me…  only to discover in the end that they have been only removed for a season.  And now that this chapter of my life has closed, I can so clearly see they were removed not from me but for me.  What’s even crazier?  The answers I was seeking and found were within my life’s story line the entire time. Never in a million years did I think all of these loose ends would so easily connect at the right time, in the right way and in the end make perfect sense to even ME. Everything is not always what it seems.  In fact, in most cases it is the unseen story line that is driving much more of our narrative than we know.  But when we are too busy consuming, connecting, chatting, browsing, liking and engaging with our devices instead of each other it’s easy to miss our own humanity standing right there in the midst. And so we forget this simple truth.  Moments matter.  Smiles matter. Hugs matter.  Love matters. People matter. And simple gestures travel for miles on end.

Taking a minute to say a simple “I’m sorry” could save someone’s life if not your own.  Calling that person you’ve been too busy to make time for might just be the divine healing you need waiting to bless you and usher you to the other side of your pain.  But in our gross self-consumption it’s very easy to miss.  And so I’m compelled to continue learning, growing and evolving on this deliberately harder path because quite honestly…. I’m too far gone.  For I know the truth.  I drank the elixir too long ago and this medicine has me spell bound.  I truly believe, no less know, that the world’s heart is calling us to model our faith and live out the principles we claim to believe.  Humility. Forbearance. Tolerance.  Patience. Forgiveness. And Love … not just for ourselves but for each other.

So today I thank God for this 12 year journey to a place within myself that I never knew existed but always was.  And I am grateful for this lifetime of hard knock lessons in loss, pain, pleasure and abiding, enduring unconditional love.  For without awareness of the underlying narrative,  I now realize that the ability to truly believe and trust in something or someone greater than me would never be possible. And I alone simply could not be. “For Earth knows no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.”  Praying for peace, healing and love for us all  today, tomorrow and always.

Blessings to you,

Shani

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