Wrestling with the Spirit

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So I’m up early.  Not unusually early, but early enough to hear my thoughts clearly.  I’ve grown to love the promise of each new day.  The stillness of each morning. For me it allows my clearest thinking and helps me hear God most directly. The peace and calm I find in the simplicity of each new day is truly refreshing.  So  I’m sitting here in my quaint little hotel room with the day ahead full of ripe possibilities and I’m quietly listening.  Listening to the room. Listening to the sound of my breath.  Letting my thoughts come and go. Allowing my mind to twirl and swirl over possibilities.

I am coming to accept my lot in life as a severe perfectionist.  It has served me very well in business.  In my personal life perhaps not as much. As reformed as I try to believe I am (I’ve been actively working on this issue for quite some time), I realize I am once again attempting to figure it all out so that I can have the perfect plan.  By having the perfect plan, in my mind, I believe I am guaranteeing the most positive outcomes.  What I am really doing is trying to control the process in hopes it will minimize any unforeseen struggle and pain.  So I am struggling not with the answer but with the way. I am clear on where God wants me to go next. I’m just not 100% sure of the path.  And so I am.  I am wrestling with the spirit within trying to figure it all out.  What is it that I really want? How do I make it happen? Are my desires born of my life’s hope or my life’s pain?  What if I choose the wrong path? How should I manifest this beautiful calling?

Perhaps herein lies the problem.  Maybe sometimes we are so busy trying to figure out the path that we miss the one that is right in front of us. Maybe the question is not how do I get there but what is the first step.  Maybe in letting go of the need to see the path clearly and map the perfect route I will actually discover the right one.  For is today not all we are truly promised? And if we trust God then don’t we also trust that it is He who is directing our path even when we can’t see our way clearly?

So in this season of wrestling, I have learned that the best thing to do is just wait.  Wait for the answers to become clear.  Take the steps I feel comfortable taking and back off of my plans until the right plan reveals itself.  And so I will rest for now and let this thing I am called to do fall into place effortlessly.  By taking the the pressure off of myself, I inherently suppress the need to perfect it and understand how it will take shape.  I can then rest easy in the knowing God has planned this path for me all along and will equip me with everything I need along the journey.  He knows where I am going even when I cannot see clearly and that’s really all that matters.  We are moving forward.  He is elevating me higher and creating a new thing. Great is His faithfulness.

It’s funny how answers can find us in the midst of our day, in the still of the morning or at the most random times. Right when we stop looking for them they appear.  When we stop conjuring them up and simply let them find us the answers are right there. After all, God doesn’t need us to be genies in bottles who blink and make things happen.  He needs our unending, unwavering trust.  He can do all the blinking and conjuring up we will ever need if we will only trust and wait on Him.

 

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