Today, I am especially grateful for mothers like my friend Gina Tucker who agreed to grace me with her story today on the blog. Gina’s story is gritty and raw, yet a powerfully beautiful reminder of God’s power, grace and redemptive love. Thank you Gina for sharing your story and giving a voice to the pain of so many moms who get overlooked on this special day. Happy Mothers Day!
When I share my story, I always feel the need to start with how grateful I am and blessed beyond measure. It is so true, and I genuinely mean it. I have a wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful three-year old daughter named Samarah. My husband Fred is my biggest fan, my best friend, and supports me in all my dreams and endeavors. I can’t imagine this life without them. I start with sharing that because the story that is the single most defining moment in my life is not happy. Instead, it is sad and dark.
You see there is my life before and my life after. Life before was filled with excitement, anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child Madison. Life after began when the doctor said those life-changing words, “I’m sorry Mrs. Tucker, there is no heartbeat.” I heard them on May 3, 2013 after my daughter was stillborn early on a dreary Sunday morning exactly one week before Mother’s Day. Who knew the Sunday before Mother’s Day is also known as International Bereaved Mother’s Day?
On Mother’s Day, I struggle not because I am ungrateful, but because my heart hurts. I feel the pain of all the moms who don’t have their babies with them anymore. Sadly, I know that no matter their age, any child you have will always be your baby, and when they gain their angel wings it is devastating.
Mother’s Day is still a trigger for me. Grief finds its way back to the surface leading up to this day created to celebrate motherhood. Today, I still struggle to understand why. Why me? I don’t understand why I had to go through this? Why does anyone have to kiss their child for the last time? There is no happy ending to the story when your child is stillborn. Everything does not happen for a reason
In the days and months after Madison’s stillbirth, my faith was tested. If I am honest, it was almost destroyed. The only reason I can say almost is because I figured I can’t be mad with God without first believing in Him. In time my faith slowly returned. In fact, it took years actually. There was a time I wasn’t sure it was even possible. Today, I know that the joy I have in my heart and blessings that have been so abundant in my life could only have come from God. And it is God’s grace that allows me to say that.
“My way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who you are.” As I reflect on those words from Way Maker by Sinach, I am reminded of this simple truth and it is currently on repeat in my mind’s playlist. For me, my baby girl, Samarah, represents God’s promise and light. I am grateful that there is another chapter after my “after”. I have joy and gratefulness on this Mother’s Day and everyday, and today I wish peace for all of those moms who carry their babies in their heart.
Happy Mother’s Day!